May 31, 2010

We can live like Jack and Sally if you want. . .

Hello my three readers. I appologise for my lack of posting recently. I blame the internet failing on me, but that isn't the only reason. Sure it is difficult to post on a blog page that refuses to open but what is more difficult is writing on a blog when you don't know what to write about.

No this is no case of writers block but perhapse of stage fright or second guessing or overthinking. I believe it may be a combination of all these things and possibly more. I know I am prone to stage fright, only recently have i realised how much so. I know I definately do second guess myself but don't we all? Or do we? No we don't. Wait maybe. . . Jokes.

Overthinking is what made me start this blog in the first place, so why is it keeping me from writing my thoughts? I don't know. Maybe now that there are actually people reading it I realise why i didnt tell anyone it was mine in the first place. Why I wanted to be incognito in the firstplace. Don't you just love the word incognito? Is it even spanish?

Now I am doing what I do best, making lame jokes to avoid the matter I'm facing. The truth is I made yeah eye thought so to get these thoughts out of my head but when confronted with the knowlage that my friends and family have my thoughts on display infront of them, when they ask me to post more (it is flattering and gives me a severe case of the warm fuzzies, I feel the need to add) I get to the 'new post' page and I freeze.

I find something to distract myself with because I don't want to filter my thoughts before I put them on here, that isn't what this is about, but because of the people reading it there are things I can't say. I can't say everything I'm feeling for fear of embarassment. If I suddenly have a revelation and realise that i want to be a proffessional mexican wrestler I can't blog about it. What if you don't approve? What if you think it's too racially insensitive? What if you have an uncle that was killed by a mexican wrestler and you swore to get your revenge by killing every mexican wrestler you came into contact with? We'd all be screwed then, now wouldn't we?

Here I go joking again. The truth is, everyone wants people to read there minds because they haven't the courage to let their thoughts out themselves. If we could get past that fear and just share our thoughts, would the world be better, or worse? It's like that movie the invention of lying, everyone tells everyone exactly what they are thinking. The tag line for pepsi is 'for when they don't have coke'. People say exactly what they are thinking and in the film it makes that kind of life look miserable. But what if, rather than having the inability to keep things to yourself, you simply weren't afraid to do so?

In coming another reference! In the mortal instruments series by Cassandra Clare there is a part when one of the characters loses his fear completely. His parents walk in a moment after the change has occurred he immediately goes to tell them all the things he had been keeping from them. Awkward. So if we weren't afraid to tell the truth would we just spill our secrets and feelings to everyone? Or would we keep things to ourselves still?

I issue a challenge to myself. I am going to keep at this blog. I am going to be as honest as I was when no one was reading it. No excuses, no holding back, no holds barred. If there is something I need to get out of my head that I know might make you think different, if it is my honest oppinion I am going to write it, or at least try to. I don't lie on this blog but that doesn't necessarily mean I write everything I am thinking. Though I do write alot of what I'm thinking.

For instance, I hate writing the word necessary. I delete it and re type it at least twice before I get it right and it has been bugging me all week. It's like all the times I have needed to write the word necessary have been saved up for this week! Oh well.

Heres to a really long post filled with what I avoided posting before.


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